LONG Overdue Album Review!

Howdy, blogospehere!

Happy hump day to you all! If you are humping today, be safe! haha.

As well as being TWBITW, I’ve been putting off doing this album review for way too long (sorry!!!) because I wanted to have the time to really do it justice. You see, I have some really badass friends (who are also the talented rappers otherwise known as The Brothers Grim) named Pat and Stephen, and a few months back they sent me the sweetest care package ever. Along with stickers (that I’ve been putting everywhere) and a sick t-shirt (that I’ve been wearing everywhere), they also sent me their albums. Today we’re gonna dissect Kom’s album – Pat, yours will come in due time!

Grim!

Brothers Grim Presents: Komrade – “Fallen Empire”

Track Listing:

1. Hard As It Gets
2. Bad Magic (ft. Stripes & Swann)
3. Metal To Rust
4. Pod People
5. Demons On My Back (ft. Merkules & Nobe [of the INF Gang])
6. Hockey Pucks
7. Broken In Half (ft. Pat Grim)
8. Stranglin Steeze (ft. Shallow Pockets [of Psych Ward] & Sonik)
9. Building Dreams Selling Music (BDSM)
10. Fiending (ft. Evil Ebenezer & Pat Grim)
11. Future Is Grim (ft. Pat Grim)
12. Love Thy Brother (ft. Pat Grim & Trippz)
13. The Story (ft. Pat Grim)

Notes: Tracks 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 12 cuts by Nato. Track 13 cuts by Nato and DJ Recoknsyle. Recorded, mixed and mastered by Nato for Up In Arms Recordings (7Nato.com). All songs written and recorded by  Stephen ‘Komrade’ G, except guest features. Booklet design by Sonik at Music Box Studios (sonikhiphop.com). Cover artwork by Raymond Tan.]

[Homepage] [Youtube] [Reverbnation] [Facebook] [Twitter / Kom] [Twitter / Pat]

a note about these reviews: I’m going to be giving two blurbs per song: 1) being my internal monologue during a listen through (sorry in advance, Stephen!), and then 2) being a more critical review. Finally, I’ll give my favorite line from each track. Sound good? No? too bad. Let’s begin.

1. Hard As It Gets (03:47)

Internal Monologue: Starts off MEAN, and I like it. This track just comes at you and keeps at it – won’t lie, I basically zoned into this song too hard to write anything down. That, my friends, is the hallmark of a great track.

Critical Review: Okay, I have to start off by saying that I absolutely love the momentum this song has. It’s a pretty straightforward 4/4 time signature beat, but Kom shows some great writing skills by utilizing the briefest of pauses at the end of the 4th beat, giving the track a “rolling” forwards energy. The mood is aggressive, and it brings to mind the feeling directly following a round in the boxing ring – out for blood and ready to show off a little bit. This is punctuated by creative phrasing (and seriously, it’s hard to make the English language fit in musical constraints); especially and impressively so, when he shifts pace subtly yet critically in the final verse. This is such a minor shift that it’s taken me way too long to figure it out, but it switches the tone from slightly frantic to relaxed and kinda bravado-y. Bravodic? hmm.

Moving on, the production on this track is sick. Seriously Nato, you KILLED it. My favorite thing (drinking game idea: every time I say something is my favourite, take a shot. You’re welcome.) about Stephen’s voice is how gritty it is. There’s something reminiscent of Slim Shady LP-era Eminem crossed with Asher Roth served with a bit of Aesop Rock about it – basically, he sounds mean, like a good rapper should. Nato kept the right amount of growl (which is all of it), to which I tip my hat.

This track just sets the album off perfectly – even after a few (hundred) listens, it psychs me up for the rap music I’m about to hear. At the end of the day, that’s all why we’re fans, right? It’s all about getting excited about the music in your ears.

Favorite Line: “And I roll with evil brothers/ Like the Catholic Church”

2. Bad Magic (04:03)

Internal Monologue: LOVE THE HOOK. It sounds like an old horror movie. Wicked collaboration, they play off each other well. Even match for each other – whoa that’s a lot of syllables. You three sound like the monsters in my closet. This is what I love about rap, this is raw and passionate and harsh and MEAN. I still pull new lines I missed out of this track and I listen to it all the time – in my books that’s a pretty awesome quality in a rhyme. Such a great cadence here, I really love how the three rhyme schemes are similar but incredibly differently approached. Fun and risky rhymes all around – this is such a fun song to try to pull apart. Really loved the collab between these three. Big success.

Critical Review: I stand by my internal monologue in that the hook to this track is just fanfuckingtastic. We’re keeping a more even tempo here, slower and more menacing – which allows the poetry to shine; and deservedly so, as there are some great lines in this track. There was also a ton of attention paid to the subtleties in production – there’s plenty of sound effects and some cool processing; however, they’re pretty unobtrusive while lending some depth and intrigue to the overall effect. Shout out to Stripes and Swann for a sweet guest appearance.

This song sounds like every fight I’ve ever been in crossed with Halloween. In the best way. It makes me want to dig my gloves out and beatt up the heavy bag (and in fact, I have a couple of times (less boxing gloves because hardcore) at the gym on cardio day)…or, y’know, the bros who hog the squat rack. It’s menacing and punchy and just everything that fight music should be. Somewhat reminiscent of D12’s “Fight Music,” which is, of course, a good thing.

Favorite Line: “I can hear the bitch in your voice/”

3. Metal To Rust (03:08)

Internal Monologue:[lights up] upon exhale, this track is perfect. Kinda mellow, kinda jazzy, and I like the slightly softer lilt Kom’s got going here. Don’t get me wrong – he’s still throaty, but he’s approachable in this track. Contemplative. I like the chorus a LOT, that’s a perfect analogy. I also really enjoy the pacing and cadence we’ve got here, it’s fast enough to feel lighthearted; however, the lyrics are actually pretty heavy – I respect the solid 180 seconds of brutal honesty.

Critical Review: This track is a complete foil to the first two on the album. This one is perfect blazing music – I look forward to summertime smoke ups outside with this exact song playing. Kom’s not angry here; he’s reflective, which allows the few lines that are angry to be even more scathing. In contrast, the back beat is kinda jazzy, I can appreciate the counterpoint; and, of course, the pacing and cadence lend a sense of pensiveness. Listening to the lyrics, the song plays like you’re able to see the internal dialogue Stephen has in his head for 3 minutes. It’s brave – not a lot of rappers out there willing to be transparent about the less than “swag” emotions, people, or things.

I also need to point out that the message here hits home pretty hard – remember, kids, friends aren’t friends if they use you. Family only means you share genetic material. Choose your circle wisely, and remember that quality>quantity.

Favorite Line: “And if you thought your friends were solid/ Even metal turns to rust/”

4. Pod People (00:42)

Internal Monologue: We’re back to the menacing and I like it. …whoa, how many time have I listened to this?

Critical Review: For 42 seconds worth of rhyme, Kom spits some venom.

Favorite Line: “You want beef bitch/ I’ll bring a whole fuckin herd of it/”

5. Demons On My Back (03:39)

Internal Monologue: [author spews Diet Coke while giggling] HAHAHA DID HE JUST START A SONG WITH THAT LINE?! Seriously, though. That takes some guts and it worked. Well played, sir. What a fun back beat! I really like this collab, too – and the howl at Hockey end? Perfect.

Critical Review: I love the back track, love the kinda old school vibe here. This reminds me of Gangstarr “Full Clip” (Sticky Fingaz Verse, natch), it’s smooth, it’s classy, it isn’t in your face aggressive or mean or harsh… but it IS mean, aggressive, and harsh – scathingly so. I stand by my statement about the opening line (hint: it’s my favorite) and applaud it. The cadence is interesting, for such a downtempo backbeat, the guys are rapping pretty quick here. Interesting rhyme schemes, awesome breath control, great production.

Also – in general, this song for me is a standout on the album simply because of how well written each and every verse is. Excellent writing in all regards.

Favorite Line: “Life’s a bitch/ So I fucked her/ And she gave me herpes/”

(no video, buy the album!)

6. Hockey Pucks (04:08)

Internal Monologue: First of all, how Canadian can we be, really? I bet you’re an Oilers fan, Kom…you know what that means, right? That means that part of me will always hate you, and that’s the part of me that loves the Flames. Sorry. Anyways. I like how minimalist this track is. It’s all about the lyrics, and they’re coming rapid fire. This definitely epitomizes angry Albertan high school Mia. To the T. Angry, angsty, mean without needing to be, might give you the stink eye but secretly pay for your double double to apologize…

Critical Review: Definitely more minimal here, which is a welcome turn in my eyes. Kom’s a strong writer, and this is yet another testament to that – no flash, just awesome rhymes. Pacing is misleading, I keep thinking I can count the song, but he’s actually pretty sneaky here – there are a lot of tight tempo changes.

I gotta say, Kom – this one’s a contender for overall best track.

Favorite Line: “The lesson of depression/ Never own a Smith & Wesson/ The Devil answers loudest/ When your mind is filled with questions/”

7. Broken In Half (03:25)

Internal Monologue: For some reason, I don’t like the backing track here. I think it’s the synth strings, just hits a note that aggravates me – I’m weird though, so I’m pretty sure this is just a me thing. It’s nice to see a Brother Grim track on here finally! They have such fun energy together – had the whole crowd singing along when I saw them this past summer. Somewhat predictable. I keep waiting for this track to explode but it doesn’t. Sorry guys. I like the rhymes but this one isn’t on the top of the pile for me.

Critical Review: That back track. It’s the synth strings – they just don’t do it for me, and it frustrates me because I feel like my weird aversion to that particular note is leeching my enjoyment from the tune. Anyways. Some really sick rhymes from both Pat and Kom here, and the trademark energy they each bring to the table that makes me love their music.

I also hate to say it, but sonic blue balls is the only way to describe how I feel at the end of this one – I feel like it builds, and builds, and has the potential to really punch at the end…but it doesn’t. And that makes me sad.

Favorite Line: “Address me as your honorable/ ‘Cause I’m someone unstoppable/”

8. Stranglin Steeze (03:08)

Internal Monologue: YES. We’re moving again – there’s that momentum. Sweet raps off the bat, and I am much preferring this back track. That’s a really cool effect they layered over the backing track – kinda electronica, in the slightest possible way. This reminds me of Royce Da 5’9″…actually, Bad Meets Evil. That’s what this reminds me of.

Critical Review: Well, that’s what I was awaiting in the last track – this song starts with some killer movement (much like the first track) and it carries through the end of the track. That’s more my style – relentless. This track is powerful, it comes at you and keeps getting bigger and faster and more intimidating.

I’ve listened to this track so many times since December that I’ve lost count, but I still find myself pulling out rhymes I hadn’t caught before. Fantastic.

Favorite Line: “Step inside the gates of Heaven/ You’re just cursed in a cage/”

9. Building Dreams Selling Music [BDSM] (04:07)

Internal Monologue: Well, I like the name of this one (I’m a kinky bitch, as you know if you’ve followed for a while; if not, here is a good place to start). Hell YES, starting off with extra gravel-ly vocals. Great narrative, love how balls out (haha oops, unintentional) the rhymes are. Also, that’s a rather extensive list of sex toys. I digress. Oh, no wait, the next verse starts with panties and faces. Can’t help but wonder if this is purely fiction or if there are bits of real crazy bitches you know, Kom. Love the overdub with the old movie feel, kinda “Reefer Madness” in the best way. Really mesmerised by this one, it took me a few listens initially to really hear the whole story; now, I still find myself falling into it and getting lost.

Critical Review: Well, I don’t have much to say here that I didn’t cover in the initial listen through. I really, really love the production on this track, it sounds extra grimey and extra evil, which is exactly what I was hoping for given the title. In addition to the production, I like that this is a relatively minimalist track. Simple time signature, simple beat, complicated rhymes, but overall, just kind of mesmerising. This fucking sounds like subspace. You gave subspace a soundtrack, Kom. How the fuck..?

…Yeah, I love this one. I love that the woman is the aggressor, I love that the rhythm is so subdued, I love that the story is so well written. And yeah, fuck it, I have to admit a soft spot for a song that’s about kinkery.

Favorite Line: “Something in her snapped and I knew I was in danger/ Bitch pulled out a knife/ You can never trust a stranger/”

(BUY THE ALBUM, if for this track alone.)

10. Fiending (03:56)

Internal Monologue: [author says hello to MJ] Wow, this song sounds amazing right now. It’s by far the most chill track so far, and I love love love this chorus. This kind of sounds like wake and bake sessions in uni with old friends, it’s rough and ragged but kinda non committal in the best possible way. That made no sense at all, I’m sure, but neither did those days. Anyways. I like the collaborations here, they’re seamless and they all play off each others strengths. Evil E is one of my faves, so it’s a treat to hear him here. Pat’s verse is clean and he’s showing more personality, which I heartily approve of. So far, my stand out favorite track on the album.

Critical Review: Another somewhat subdued track with ridiculous verses. Seriously, ever single one is completely ridiculous, and a good few months after hearing this the first time, I am STILL hearing things for the first time.

Can we also talk about that hook for a second? It is perfect, and reminds me of old Premiere. It’s totally grimey 90s awesomeness, and it totally deserved its own paragraph of appreciation. Sonik, you absolutely slaughtered the production on this track.

Yeah, 10/10. The only way I could dissect this really would be to go line by line, and ain’t nobody got time fo’dat. But, I do have time to say that this is by far my favorite track on the album. Bravo, gents.

Favorite Line: “Watching Glee/ Fuck your anger and your sorrow/ Remedy your teen angst/ Coat hanger use tomorrow/”

11. Future Is Grim (03:44)

Internal Monologue: Pretty epic opening bit, which I love. This is totally kinda Madchild nerdy in the best way, a little nod to the General, Kom? They’ve upped the tempo here, and I’m digging it. This is kind of battlecry sounding, like I can picture BaxWar on horseback rapping along with it…hmm. Weird visual. Anyways. Super busy track, but I love how it’s got that unrelenting chorus to tie it back together. Fun for sure, and the end bit about the big bang? Fan fucking tastic.

Critical Review: The only thing I have to say about this one that was a serious draw for me was the fact that I felt that the busy back track seriously hindered my ability to hear the rhymes. To be honest, the first few times I heard this one I almost zoned the rapping out. It’s just too hard to follow with the horn and the chant and the overdubbed mad scientist sounding guy…

Other than that; however, I really, really love this – lyrically. As always, challenging rhymes delivered without hesitation, which is la crème de la crème, as far as I’m concerned.

Favorite Line: “I’m the rappin’ cryptkeeper/ Fifth Element rap shit/ I spit ether/”

12. Love Thy Brother (4:06)

Internal Monologue: This is my favorite style of rap – Nas does it sometimes, so does Em, Guru used to – it’s crawling and unrelenting and comes at you evenly and cleanly and it sucks you  in and terrifies you and makes you want to listen closer all at the same time. That chorus? Fucking YES. Again with the slight 90s nod with the vocal styling. Pat’s verse here is my favorite so far, it’s his strongest I feel and the delivery is pretty deeply affecting. Pretty neck and neck with Fiending for me.

Critical Review: Again, very little to say here without getting into a line by line dissection. This one is really, really just well executed. I don’t have any critiques here, just praise (and 264 plays on my iPod so far). Thank you for making real, honest backpack rap. This is why I fell in love with the genre.

Favorite Line: “Survived the hood the only way I knew/ And that’s the honor roll/”

13. The Story (03:44)

Internal Monologue: Sticking with the oldschool vibe, and I am NOT complaining. This one is raw – some anger and left over hurt there, which resonates with me. I get the write it out thing (clearly). Pretty much every line I agree with here, and it both breaks my heart and consoles me. There’s a certain emotion that’s hard to capture with those kinds of memories. Pat kills his verse so hard. Man oh man. I love it. I love this song.

Critical Review: Everything I love about Love Thy Brother and Fiending are present here – another gritty, 90s influenced track – another shining example of another facet of backpack rap. I won’t lie, I bawled the first time I listened to this one. It was a bad mama drama day, and the way Kom spits his verse just got to me. This is the backpack rap that got (and still gets) me through stuff – Infinite (Eminem) is similar, as is early Swollen. It’s visceral and powerful, and I’m so thrilled that it still exists in the rap world amidst the cash cars and hoes.

Pat picks his pace up in this track pretty noticeably, and his rhymes (in my opinion) shine here more than they do on earlier tracks on the album. Strip the tracks down, guys, and you make magic – like this one. This is, truly, magical. What a kick ass way to cap off a fantastic album.

Favorite Line: “Life toughens up and I become much stronger/ Betting on my breaking point/ But I last longer/”

In closing, I’m really, really lucky to have such talented friends. If you’re a backpack rap fan? GO BUY THE ALBUM. It’s worth it, and that much, I am not just saying. I’m seriously proud, and can’t wait to see what comes next.

For now,

Wallace, out.

TWBITW Returns!

Update from TWBITW

Howdy, blogoverse!
How have y’sall been doing? I know, I know, I’ve pretty much abandoned you since…almost a month ago, making me TWBITW (The Worst Blogger In The World) (SORRY!); however, before I get into the meat and potatoes of this post, I wanted to take a couple minutes to share some metrics for the month and (once again! You guys are the best, I absolutely love my readers and the community this blog has opened up to me!) extend the biggest THANK YOU that I possibly can via the internet. Each and every last one of you hasd contributed to a successful blog – in fact, more successful than I ever imagined that it could be!

As of right now (3:31 PM pst; Wednesday, February 5th, 2014), we’re at:
-15,638 Unique visitors from 40+ countries (and steadily counting)
-31 unique visitors today alone
-318 comments
-85 blog subscribers (those of you who get an email every time I post)
-15 Tumblr. subscribers
-37 Facebook followers
-2 Twitter followers

HOLY LIVING SHIT YOU GUYS. I LEAVE FOR A MONTH (almost) AND THE METRICS STAY THIS GREAT? I have no words. I really don’t. The best I can say is “THANKS!,” and I hope you know that I mean if from the bottom of my wee black heart.

Anywhore, it’s been a busy busy BUSY month, and I have a shitpile to tell y’all, so let’s get started shall we?

When I last wrote to you, I’d just started the new job. Well, a month in and I still absolutely LOVE it. In fact, I’ve gotten a micropromotion – added Social Media Manager to my title, and as a super awesome added bonus perk, I now get paid to BLOG! Seriously! I’m not going to link you to it here in the name of maintaining a modicum of anonymity; however, it gives me the opportunity to write (A LOT!!) about finance (yay!), being a millennial in the workplace (yay!) and inject some personailty into my job’s online presence. Overall, I’d say that it’s a major fucking WIN, especially since I’m salaried anjd therefore protected from some of the nonsense that comes along with freelancing. Not quite an author per se, but writing my wee heart out nonetheless. It feels right, and it’s doing wonders for our SEO, so I must be doing something right, hey? Haha, I kid – I KNOW this is the right thing, the right place, the right time. Professional life is on point.

You won’t know this by the time that I publish this post, but right now, I’m actually not at work – I’m awaiting Brother Vega to come meet me and guide me through some Facebook/Twitter issues I’m now having to deal with on the comnpany’s behalf (natch, thre dream job comes with some expected headaches); and I gotta say, it’s damned nice being able to cut out of the office to come do some work at a coffee shop with my not-blood-brother, who is hilarious and awesome and can hopefully help me break the Internet. Perks of desk jobs #332: remote work, and coffee shop meetings that let me effectively leave my job two hours earlier than usual. Big girl job = way the fuck better than barista. I’m just not cut out for retail after all these years – I crave stability, challenge, and the opportunity ton advance these days more than I do easy money from gracious tips.

So that’s work. Tl;dr – work is great, got a promotion a week in, get paid to write for the majority of my day now. Win.

Moving onwards, I suppose the next highlight from the past month was attending an industry conference with Vega in Anaheim at the end of January (perks of desk jobs #339: the ability to take a weeek off because of the magic that is working remote), and it was seriously just awesome. Out of respect for Vega’s privacy, I won’t say too much about what conference I attended (it’s the biggest trade show in his industry, and I met Kerry King, and was two feet from Stevie Wonder. Twice. That’s all ya get!); however, I will say that it was absolutely wonderful to see my man in action, to spend some quality time with him on a short little vacay, and (of course) to walk around Cali for a couple days – one of my favorite places to go, and made much better by being there with my love! And yes, before the questions roll in, this was bthe same conference he was at last year when we’d only technically met once and before he’d come to visit me in the 506.

That’s the vacay, Tl;dr – went to Cali with my beau for just under a week, rubbed shoulders with some musical bigwigs, saw my man in action as a sexy businessman, relaxed a bunch. Win.

Otherwhore, not a bunch of outwardly thrilling stuff. Got my taxes done (2009-2012…DON’T BE LIKE ME KIDS. DON’T DO IT), which ended up netting me an additional 1000$+ that I hadn’t been anticipating. It’d be cool if the CRA would be snappy about processing those…but until they do, I’ll just keep checking the mailbox compulsively and praying that the Tax Accountant Gods are kind and quick! I also got myself a credit card (after having royally fucked my credit up at 19…it’s been a long road with a lot of learning curves thrown in for good measure), which should be in my hands by the end of the week! YAY! PULLING MYSELF TOGETHER FEELS SO GOOD. I got the man of my dreams, I live in the city of my dreams, I have the job of my dreams…my turn to put myself into the financial situation of my dreams, and I’m making great headway! It’s so so so exciting to be taking real consideration towards my future, what I want to achieve, and not only reaching my goals, but blowing them out of the fucking water on the whole. Also exciting is the prospect of getting all my stuff (a lot of stuff, cds, posters, clothes, etc) back from my parents ASAFP. I’m still awaiting a final date from the shipping company (ughhh), but the long and short of it is, that once I have my stuff back 100% of my loose ends are OFFICIALLY TIED UP, BEEYOTCH! Hell to the yes. Tl;dr – getting my finances in order and it feels so go-oo-oo-oo-d.

(For the record, it’s 10:14pm now. Vega is at hockey, and TWBITW is finbally finishing this entry!) Yeah. So I had my meeting with Brother Vega, which was good! I was sitting at the wrong coffee shop (derp), but when we found each other he helped me conclude that I’m somewhat fucked but also somewhat okay. So there’s that. After we finished up, I caught the bus home and was thoroughly entertained by the  meth head and the crack head who couldn’t quiiiiite communicate. Vega and I had some quality time together, then dinner, then he left for hockey. I have so far picked my outfit for work tomorrow, chatted with some friends, and taken a shower. Now, I’m listening to 90s hip hop and enjoying the heater!

Tomorrow, I’m hoping to FINALLY get back in the gym after last week’s unexpected cold from hell (oh yeah, I was sick last week and worked from home two days out of five – perks of having a desk job #235: remote work. Aww yeah.)) – Vega and I signed up for a gym membership in December, and I’ve been going hard with him with the weights. According to him, my ass looks better already – and my jeans are certainly fitting nicer again. It’s exciting doing this weightlifting stuff – I am eating ALL THE THINGS and still losing weight. Lift heavy things, put them down. Repeat. Go home. EAT ALL THE THINGS. Sleep. DOMS. Repeat ad infinitum. I can’t wait to be stronger – it feels nice feeling my body catch up to my mental strength. If that made no sense, blame “good advice” (hahaha, I think you’re the only one whoi’ll get that one, Vega).

Anyways, I think I’m gonna call this a post and go make a smoothie. Oh, munchies. Why do you always want ice cream?

For now,

TWBITW (Wallace), out.

PS: We’re up to 15,662 unique views as of 10:31pm. ❤

Blog Updates + Where I’m At This Week + Things I Am Looking Forward To

Hello Blogoverse!

Happy Tuesday to you all! If your schedule looks anything like mine, right now you are on the couch, still in pyjamas, cup of coffee in hand and DOMS laden from yesterday’s maintenance run. I love rest days.

Add a cup of java and that’s me in a nutshell today.

Anyways – just thought I’d take a second to point out the shiny new “Music To My Ears” section – as per Cinderella’s request, I’ll be listing my running playlists here from now on, as well as links to the videos on YouTube. No judging my exceptional taste in music, pleaseandthankyou. I’ll also take requests, like the top 5 list I made up for Spinny a few months ago. You’re welcome.

Also along that tangent, I’d like to remind you all about the running challenge I’ve got going on. So far, two brave souls have opted in to do this with me (WOOP WOOP!) Yesterday was the official start date for the challenge, 3.5 miles – maintenance, and I got mine done like dinner (playlist to be uploaded post blog entry). It was a beautiful and perfect evening for a run – not quite raining, heavy foggy mist lingering in the air, cool but not cold, no wind whatsoever.. It took me what felt like forever to warm up; however, once I hit my stride, overwhelming peace ensued. It was one of those “completely lost in my head” kinds of runs, and I was happy with my pace, overall time, and the awesome high I ended up with. Yay, endorphins!

Because they’re jogging, Philosoraptor. Have you ever heard of a “jogger’s high”? No. No, you haven’t. Run it fast, reap the rewards.

Anywhore. Brother W’s high school graduation ceremony was last Friday. Mr. Vega and I got all dressed up, then made our way to the Stampede Grounds to watch him cross the stage. Whoever coordinated this affair grossly underestimated the number of people who would be attending, which was fine by me and Vega, but garnered some scathing remarks from the general public. Truth be told, we pretty much sat outside and smoked up to B. Wallace’s turn to grab his diploma. Following the ceremony, we found B. Wallace, who was there with Little Lady and Mother Wallace and Father Wallace. My mother didn’t smile ONCE, my father seemed preoccupied with making sure that Mother didn’t make a spectacle, and Little Lady and B. Wallace were just happy to say hello to Vega and I, despite the super awkward “Let’s Meet Mia’s Parents” scenario. I am more than happy to have been there for B. Wallace – mother had been trying to convince him that I wouldn’t actually be there, and he seemed more than thrilled that I was – but I tell ya, there is little in this world more embarrassing or painful than trying to relate to my parents on a level plane, particularly in a social setting, and even moreso when introducing them to my fiancé.

My $0.02 is that it’s a fucking royal pity that they choose to cling to the past as they do. I fucked up and I apologized and I moved on with my life (without them, seeing as all of my apologies, to them, null and void), they fucked up and they deny it and they remain in the depths of yesterdays long gone. My mother should have been thrilled – she watched her son graduate and was meeting her future son-in-law and couldn’t crack a fucking smile? My father makes me even more morose to think about, as he is to this day my hero; and yet, I am more disappointed in  him than anybody else on the face of the Earth. I wish I still had a good relationship with my dad – I miss our endless conversations about books and sci fi and life in general – but I resent him deeply, and as much as it kills me to feel that way about somebody I love as much as I do my dad, I love myself more. Too much of my life was spent trying to make him and my mother proud of me, and seeing them Friday was truly the best reminder and affirmation of why the separation from them is the best thing possible for me at this juncture in my life. Vega and I had a funny encounter with someone who also had dealt with my mother’s claws recently – further proof that I  am not insane. Sad truth that I am not insane, that she is in fact as abrasive as my memories of her tend to be. Not my loss, not anymore. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how unscathed (100% thanks to Vega) I walked away from that whole encounter.

Unscathed enough to enjoy a beer and a burger at the Ship with my (unbelievably dashing in a suit) love after the whole thing was over and done with. This is big for me. Usually, the only thing I can find it in myself to ingest following time spent in the presence of my folks is a heavy dose of insecurity served with a side dish of manic depression and a cocaine chaser. This, my friends, is progress.

Amen to that, Grohl.

Saturday and Sunday were both busy and exciting and cray cray  to the extreme. Saturday was a double show day with the Endure crew, and a beautiful day to boot. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and elated and passed the fuck out rather promptly following food on the couch in Vega’s lap. Sunday was closing night, crazy and sold out and a fun crowd. Bawled my eyes out at the end with MJ, then we all went out for food and drinks and celebration. I have some potentially amazingly exciting news on that front, but since I don’t like to count my chickens before they hatch I’m going to leave that one as a cliffhanger for now with a side of HOLY FUCKING BIG OPPORTUNITY. Regardless, I am so grateful to G for getting me onto the Endure train – it’s done me a world of good, from being surrounded with such amazing people, to getting to dip my toes back into the arts, to adding more kindling to the running fever I’ve got rocking.

As far as today goes, I slept in, woke up around 2 in the afternoon with Poochie Fantastico licking my feet (seriously dog, you are bizarre and I love you for it) and the smell of cigarettes and coffee. Hauled my lazy bones outta the bed, had coffee and a smoke, slowly started to wake up over BuzzFeed and ISFP. Got the laundry done and put away, went for a quick walk around the block with Vega, made brekky, and consumed another two cups of coffee while reading the news. As of now, I’ve been listening to tunes and blogging for the past hour and a half, and coffee has been replaced by a Tree Brewing Co. Cutthroat Pale Ale (delicious delicious Tree Beers). This evening will be spent watching old school cartoons (SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS, THE MAGIC FREAKIN SCHOOLBUS IS ON NETFLIX) with Vega on the couch with my old friend Mary Jane and more beers. Kickin’ it low gear and resting up sounds just about perfect to me..especially when Miss Frizzle is a part of the equation!

Besides being inordinately excited over the influx of cartoons from my childhood that are now available on Netflix, I can pretty much barely contain my glee over the fact that there are but 23 days separating us from the coast. Besides getting the rest of my identification paperwork back from my parents and trying to get a few more items sold on Kijiji, my work in Calgary is done. I can’t believe that it’s already June, and I think it’s starting to hit Vega pretty hard that the move is coming up so soon, too. I can’t speak for my lovely love, but I’m really, really excited to finally close this chapter in my life. Calgary hasn’t been all bad – but it’s definitely just not where I belong anymore. The idea of leaving my past – truly leaving this city and the memories and the baggage and the bullshit – leaves me with the most fantastic feeling of freedom. In fact, the whole trajectory my life is taking these days makes me feel free. I can’t really put it into words, but it’s overwhelming and awesome and so much more than I think I deserve sometimes.

Anyways, I’m going to wrap this one up here. Playlist to follow, and of course, more ramblings when there is more for me to ramble on about.

Gratuitous cute:

Wallace, out.

The Return of Nocturnal Tendencies + CONTEST! + A Few Requested Playlists

Hello, readers!

It’s 10:24pm, and I have officially been awake for 1 hour and 45 minutes. Vega and I both apparently needed a “mini-hibernation,” so we both succumbed to a thirteen and a half hour snooze and woke up this evening feeling refreshed and more than well rested. All things considered, it really isn’t that big of a deal–we’re going to be attacking the Kijiji-realm and posting the last few odds and ends we haven’t listed yet, Vega’s got some work to do, I have an early morning run planned, and we’ll be visiting my old workplace tomorrow afternoon to figure out our U-Haul rental for the move. In the words of Sheen, “winning.”

The only downside to the long ass sleep was the onset of some pretty nasty nightmares. I really, really hope that my psyche figures its shit out soon here. There really are only so many nights of this that I can take. On the plus side, I managed to sleep through these ones – on the negative, I remember them pretty vividly. I’m trying not to put too much stock into them, which is made infinitely easier by the fact that when I wake up shaken, the first thing I see when I roll over is the face of my lovely man (and I always get the best snuggles from him, so that makes things easier too). Not much I can do about them scary dreams other than let them work their way through my brain. Hopefully I’ll be saying sayonara to them forever when we make it to the coast – I feel like a lot of this is coming from just being in Calgary. There’s plenty of old ghosts in this city, and I can’t wait to leave them all behind.

Anywhore. Besides being excited about the move, I’m excited about the new training plan I’ve put together for myself for June and the first 2 weeks of July. The distances aren’t anything impressive, but I want to work on my form and increase my pace, so I’ve decided to start small and work my way back up. Id been planning on starting it this week; however, with Endure and Brother’s grad, I’ve made the executive decision to push it back a week and spend this week working on hills and intervals. Regardless, the plan looks like this:

WEEK 1: JUNE 3-JUNE 9
Monday, June 3: maintenance run (3.5 miles/5.63 kilometres)
Wednesday, June 5: fartlek run (3 miles/4.83 kilometres)
Friday, June 7: long run (4 miles/6.44 kilometres)
Total Weekly Distance: 10.5 miles/16.9 kilometres

WEEK 2: JUNE 10-JUNE 16 Monday, June 10: maintenance run (4 miles/6.44 kilometres)
Wednesday, June 12: fartlek run (3.25 miles/5.23 kilometres)
Friday, June 14: long run (5 miles/8.05 kilometres)
Total Weekly Distance: 12.25 miles/19.71 kilometres

WEEK 3: JUNE 17-JUNE 23
Monday, June 17: maintenance run (4 miles/6.44 kilometres)
Wednesday, June 19: fartlek run (3 miles/4.83 kilometres)
Friday, June 21: long run (4 miles/6.44 kilometres)
Total Weekly Distance: 11 miles/17.7 kilometres

WEEK 4: JUNE 24-JUNE 30
Monday, June 24: maintenance run (5 miles/8.05 kilometres)
Wednesday, June 26: cadence drills (3.5 miles/5.63 kilometres)
Friday, June 28: long run (6 miles/9.66 kilometres)
Total Weekly Distance: 14.5 miles/23.34 kilometres

WEEK 5: JULY 1 – JULY 7
Monday, July 1: maintenance run (5.5 miles/8.85 kilometres)
Wednesday, July 3: interval work (3 miles/4.83 kilometres)
Friday, July 5: long run (4 miles/6.44 kilometres)
Total Weekly Distance: 12.5 miles/20.12 kilometres

WEEK 6: JULY 8-JULY 14
Monday, July 8: maintenance run (6 miles/9.66 kilometres)
Wednesday, July 10: tempo run (3.5 miles/5.63 kilometres)
Friday, July 12: long run (7 miles/11.27 kilometres)
Total Weekly Distance: 16.5 miles/26.65 kilometres

6 WEEK TOTALS:
Miles Run: 77.25
Kilometres Run: 124.32

Considering that come week 5, I’ll be running next to the water in beautiful Victoria, I anticipate myself having a hard time sticking to the plan, especially on 3 mile days. That said, there is a method to my madness, and I’m hoping to see an increase in my comfortable mile pace by the end of this summer kickstarter plan.

Anybody want to join me? Hell, if I can get a group together, I might even be able to get a contest going and send out prizes to those readers who keep up and get ‘er done with me by July 12th! Any takers? If you’re interested, drop me a line (my email is in the “Contact” dropdown menu) with the subject “RUN FORREST RUN!” Prizes TBA. Feeling like a badass, guaranteed.

You know you wannnnnnaaaaa!

Since we’re on the topic of running, I wanted to take a few minutes and address a question posed to me by one of my dearest friends, (we’ll call her Cinderella for blogosphere purposes) regarding what music I listen to when I run. I’m going to list 3 of my favorite playlists here, then start a dropdown menu for quick reference purposes. I have literally hundreds of assorted playlists for different moods and different types of runs, but here’s a few to get you started, Cinderella 🙂

The “Zone Out on a Bad Day” Playlist:
(note: this one gets used a lot on maintenance run days, turn on, tune out, enjoy the Zen-like bliss I get when I hit my stride)

• “Sail” – Awolnation
• “Save My Soul” – Kid Cudi
• “Sex Is Good (Acoustic)” – Saving Abel
• “Simple Man” – Lynard Skynard
• “Something in the Way” – Nirvana
• “Somewhere Out There” – Our Lady Peace
• “A Day In The Life” – The Beatles
• “Little Black Submarines” – The Black Keys
• “Big Empty” – Stone Temple Pilots
• “What It’s Like” – Everlast
• “Write It All Down For You” – Elliott Brood
• “Black Hole Sun” – Soundgarden
• “Californication” – Red Hot Chili Peppers
• “Ends” – Everlast
• “Gimme Shelter” – The Rolling Stones
• “Hey Jude” – The Beatles
• “Hey, Soul Sister” – Train
• “House of the Rising Sun” – Pink Floyd
• “I Alone” – Live
• “Capable” – Ko
• “Get Stoned” – Hinder
• “Girl From The North Country” – The Lions
• “In Bloom” – Nirvana
• “No Surprises” – Radiohead
• “Scar Tissue” – Red Hot Chili Peppers
• “Plush” – Stone Temple Pilots
• “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” – Tom Petty

The “I Have No Idea What I Want To Listen To” Playlist
(note: this one is my fallback on hill run days – the combination of dubstep, rap and alternative music keeps things upbeat and makes me feel like a badass)

• “Rumor Has It” – Adele (Gamik Dubstep Remix)
• “Ain’t No Sunshine” – Bill Withers (Kid MK Dubstep Remix)
• “All Messed Up” – Gangstarr (Whiteowl Remix) (note: couldn’t find on youtube…you have to torrent this one)
• “Ampersand” – Asher Roth
• “Back It Up” – Caro Emerald
• “Beautiful” – Eminem
• “Anthem For The Year 2000” – Soundgarden
• “Black Jesus” – Everlast
• “Star” – Blame ft. Camilla Marie (Doctor P Remix)
• “Drinking In LA” – Bran Van 3000
• “Breathe (Remix)” – Blu Cantrell ft. Sean Paul
• “Deliverance” – Bubba Sparxxx
• “Blood Sugar Sex Magik” – Red Hot Chili Peppers
• “Castle Walls” – TI ft. Christina Aguilera
• “Charlie Chaplin” – Asher Roth
• “Cinema” – Benny Benassi (Skrillex Remix)
• “Cleaning Out My Closet” – Eminem
• “Come Winter” – Drake
• “Comfortably Numb” – Pink Floyd
• “Crave You” – Flight Facilities (Adventure Club Remix)
• “Echo” – Bad Meets Evil
• “Elevator” – Eminem
• “Any Man (Acapella) – Eminem
• “Brain Damaged” – Eminem
• “Superman” – Eminem
• “Erase Me” – Kid Cudi ft. Kanye West
• “Everlong” – Foo Fighters
• “Everything is Everything” – Lauryn Hill
• “Fubba U Cubba Cubba” – Eminem
• “Full Clip” – Gangstarr ft. Sticky Fingaz
• “Give It Away” – Red Hot Chili Peppers
• “Hold Yuh” – Gyptian (Major Lazer Remix)
• “I Against I” – Jedi Mind Tricks

The “Rock It Out” Playlist
(note: this one is my favorite for long runs – good balance of high energy tracks to get me moving, slower alternative rock for the slower miles, and a few angrier tunes for when the going gets tough)

• “All Along The Watchtower” – Bear McCreary
• “CAFO” – Animals as Leaders
• “Before I Forget” – Slipknot
• “The Bad Touch” – The Bloodhound Gang
• “Don’t Fear The Reaper” – Blue Oyster Cult
• “Coal War” – Joshua James
• “Dad’s Gonna Kill Me” – Richard Thompson
• “Cover of the Rolling Stone” – Dr. Hook
• “Espera” – Animals as Leaders
• “Exit Music (For A Film)” – Radiohead
• “Family” – Noah Gunderson
• “Fortunate Son” – Creedence Clearwater Revival
• “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo” – The Bloodhound Gang
• “Fuel Injected” – Swollen Members
• “God Save The Queen” – The Sex Pistols
• “Killing In The Name Of” – Rage Against The Machine
• “Killing Spree” – Swollen Members
• “Lady Venom” – Swollen Members
• “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” – Limp Bizkit
• “Loser” – Beck
• “Thrift Shop” – Macklemore
• “Sad But True” – Metallica
• “Monster” – Madchild
• “Nookie” – Limp Bizkit
• “Odessa” – Animals as Leaders
• “On Impulse” – Animals as Leaders
• “People of the Sun” – Rage Against The Machine
• “Pressure” – Swollen Members
• “Pretty Fly” – The Offspring
• “Black Star” – Radiohead
• “Rock Star” – R. Kelly ft. Kid Rock and Ludacris
• “Ruff Ryders Anthem” – DMX
• “Shit Talker” – Madchild
• “Sleepyhead” – Passion Pit (Borgore Remix)
• “Song of Solomon” – Animals as Leaders
• “Song 2” – Blur
• “Talk Show Host” – Radiohead
• “The Kids Aren’t Alright” – The Offspring
• “Wait and Bleed” – Slipknot

On that note, I’m off to go and get my Kijiji on. I have another post in the works, you can expect that a little later on. Until then,

Wallace, out.

 

 

Obligatory Hump-Day Update + Gains and Losses Part 2

Hello readers, happy hump day to you!

I hope your weeks have been going swimmingly thus far–halfway through, it’s all downhill from here! As predicted, Mr. Vega and I ended up pulling an all-nighter on Tuesday; however, it was hugely productive on both of our parts. Vega got a whole schwack of work done, I got an early morning workout in (attacked the Tough Mudder Mudderling Bootcamp circuit–it was definitely tough, but I’m tougher! And I got my 25 minutes of Iyengar yoga in, too. Felt pretty damned good about that, especially since I got ‘er did at 6:30 in the morning!), and we managed to watch some Battlestar Galactica over brekky, which is always a nice way to start the day.

After we digested our food (and Vega answered a few more emails and I got the dishes…to the kitchen haha), we decided on a nap. I slept until 2, got up briefly to eat some Vindaloo, then re-joined Vega for some more snuggle time. Such a great nap was had, then we woke up at 6:45, as Vega is out at the studio putting some mixing work into the album he’s working on producing right now, and was getting picked up at 7:00. Good timing? I thought so. Anywhore. I was selfishly looking forward to a quiet evening alone on the couch with coffee, puppy snuggles, and the last half of “Vegeucated”; however, Beta is back for the weekend, and it’s somewhat noisy and busy around here at the moment. Now, don’t get me wrong–it’s her place, too (in fact, has been for much longer than it’s been mine!); however, I just don’t have the necessary energy to be 19 again. I just don’t. I suppose it’s a nice reminder of how far I’ve come and all that jazz…but it’s more than kind of an awkward dichotomy here right now. That being said, I am having a pretty amazing internal giggle at a comment Veggie made to Vega a few months back before I’d met Beta, when Vincent and I had been musing in the 506 about what it’d be like when the two of us inevitably did meet. To paraphrase Veggie, “[Mia] will be fine, and Beta will be too as long as she remembers that Mia’s the alpha and she falls into line.” This statement makes me laugh for two reasons, 1) Veggie hasn’t read mine nor Vega’s blog, so the Alpha comment is extra awesome, and 2) being that is exactly how this situation’s working out. I’m not trying to be a mega bitch, I’m really, really not. It’s just a strange situation to be in; especially when Vega’s not here to watch Sci Fi with me and when Beta’s trying to figure me out. I don’t want to be figured out. I’m enough of an enigma that I don’t even have myself figured out yet! I’m starting to sound like a crochety old lady. Perhaps I’m actually getting old? Regardless, the it all end all here is that I am exceedingly happy to have gotten my workout over and done with this morning; as I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have gotten done and over with this evening given the amount of things going on around me right now. But I digress.

Things I’m excited about this week–Vega and I have a date night on Friday to go see Brother Wallace’s band play a gig, which I am unspeakably excited about. Doubly so since my parents won’t be there. I’m excited about the fact that another week down means another week closer to 250-time (and it also means that I should probably get off my lazy hiney and actually start selling some stuff online and all that jazz…). I’m excited about spring time…although I’m really not expecting too much from Calgary by means of weather these days. I’m excited about the amount I’ve written (like physically written with paper and pen) in the past two and a half weeks. I’m excited to plan my workouts for the rest of the week and I’m DEFINITELY excited about rest day on Sunday (seriously, the DOMS I’ve been rocking the past few weeks…phew!). I’m excited about Vega coming home from recording tonight, and doubly excited about snuggles with him over Battlestar or Dexter tonight. I’m especially excited about that last bit.

All over the place thought-wise this evening it seems. No apologies from my end, at least this is keeping my lips zipped. Promised Vega I’d play nice, and to my credit I believe I am doing swimmingly thus far, despite some thoughtless 19 year old “wisdom” and some misplaced comments likely intended to rattle my cage. Jethro Tull is keeping the living room free, so I’m in good company for the time being; the remnants of the blueberry not-ice-cream are thawing on the kitchen counter to be enjoyed when I’m through with this post, and “falling in line” seems to be the modus operandi (smart girl) Beta’s taken to. In fact, it got quiet in here. Thank you, Jeebus, I can once again hear myself think.

Losses and gains, that’s where I wanted to go with this (see, quiet enough to once again think! Yay!). The other half of where this has become exceptionally prudent in my life as of late has been with weight. As y’all know by now, I’ve lost and gained to both extremes of the spectrum in regards to weight (oh ED, how much of my life I allowed you to once define), and for the first time, I’m to a point where I’ve broken up with the scale, the calorie trackers, and the “low fat” frankenfood I once subsisted off of. When I was on the top end of my weight, I wasn’t healthy, happy, or enjoying food. Same goes when I was emaciated and not eating–I was definitely not happy, healthy, or satiated with good fuel (in fact, sometimes I wonder how it is that I didn’t just collapse much, much earlier…I shudder to think of the days when I could list off a week’s worth of food I’d eaten on one hand). When I was put into the refeeding clinic in the ED ward post anorexic collapse, I remember fighting it so viscerally–I was terrified to gain weight, because I was certain that it would commiserate with me losing everything else in my life. The irony here is that when I was released, I was in the worst situation of my life at that point–I’d recently left Sunshine, I was about to move, I was a freaking royal bloody mess. Then, out of the blue, one day I decided to just accept the love that was surrounding me. I started going to lunch and dinner with my coworkers, I let them fill me with good food and amazing conversation and hope that I could be normal in social settings. I furthered my friendship with Dee, and enjoyed girl time over cheesecake and late night conversations, I spent time with Sarge while he was on his furlough and enjoyed dinners and beers and  the long missed company of my best friend. And slowly, as well as weight, I began to gain my happiness back, too. Then, my good friend Aussie introduced me to Whole9Life and I completed my first Whole30. I re-gained perspective on healthy food, gained back some weight in a healthy way, and re-gained my love for all things fitness related. I started working out again, cooking again, and appreciating my body again, even with an “extra” few pounds on it (I use quotations purposefully here, even now with a few more pounds on my frame (muscle I swear haha) I am still well within the healthy weight range for my frame). I’ve lost my sharp as hell collarbones, the hipbones that stuck out at jarring angles, the sallow sunken cheekbones and concave stomach. That said, I’ve gained muscle, and gained a glow to my skin, light to my eyes, energy that doesn’t come from zero-calorie Red Bull and cocaine. I’ve lost my will to die and gained an undying will to live. I also opened up to the world again (pre-recovery, I would never have met with Vega the first time, nor pestered him from afar. The irony that was thinking I looked like hell even when I was at society’s likeness of my “prettiest”), lost some idiotic people I used to believe were friends, and gained the love of my damn life. Was it easy? No. Is it easy now? No. But, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I’m proud of the fact that I’m strong enough to get through the workouts I do, that I have the goals I do now versus then (for example, nowI want to do the Tough Mudder in 2014, to run an ultramarathon, to learn how to weightlift; whereas then, I wanted to fit into a size 00, and…well that’s about it, and I accomplished that, and it really wasn’t that remarkable), that I’ve been lucky enough to find the man who loves me strong more than he’d love me skeletal. Losses and gains. Like I said, it’s  been on my head for the past few days, and it’s been a good way to weigh (haha, see what I did there?) how far I’ve come. And I have to say, I’ve come a long fucking way. I don’t think I give myself enough credit 99% of the time. Perhaps I’ll start making that a goal and a priority too.

Anyways, I’ve pretty well exhausted what it was that I wanted to say (and more, natch. Me and my verbosity), and I still have some daily personal journaling to do in addition to planning tomorrow’s workout, so I’m going to call this a post.

For now,

Wallace, out.

Put On Some Flannel Dickies and Grab Your Cassette Player (Or, “A Very ’90s Mixtape”)

Alright, so on my dear friend Spinnaker’s request, I’m going to attempt the impossible–that is, I’m going to try to decide upon my top five tracks from my favorite decade, which is (natch) the 1990’s. This is a fucking tough one, Spinny…but for the sake of reliving my favorites, I will try.

I will preface this by saying that this is by no means in any particular order. I love it all–and I love it all A LOT. From the crappy boy/girl groups that defined my elementary school days to the grunge that got me through my first every heartbreak, to the alternative that was the soundtrack to almost every single time I ran away from home, it all has a special place in my heart.

1. Radiohead – “Subterranean Homesick Alien”

So, before I continue on with my reasoning for choosing this one, let me make it clear that Radiohead is my favorite band of all-time, hands down, no fucking contest. Also, 20 years ago, “Pablo Honey” was released, and I remember very clearly my mother acquiring the cassette and us rocking out to it in my dad’s ’88 Ford Probe. Things that make me feel old; also, one of the very few good memories I possess from that era in my life. But I digress.

“Subterranean Homesick Alien” is the third track off of Radiohead’s third studio album, “OK Computer” (1997). The title of the track is a nod to Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” (also an excellent track; and definite kudos to Yorke for giving due credence to another all-time great), and the track itself is four minutes and twenty-seven seconds of glorious, haunting vocals and a beauty of a story of a narrator who (from my understanding; music, like sex, is one of those things which I believe is open to interpretation) fantasizes about what life would be like after being abducted by aliens and returning back to Earth. He speculates that his friends would not believe his story, and that he would remain a misfit. The track is musically far from the most complicated that Radiohead has ever produced; however (in Radiohead fashion) contains some unbelievably gorgeous lyrics, minimalist (for Radiohead anyways) musical elements, and a shitload of emotion.  Also, if you haven’t done yourself the favor of listening to “OK Computer” yet (I guarantee you’ve heard either “Karma Police” or “Exit Music (For A Film)”), do yourself a favour, go for a long walk, and listen to it beginning to end. Each track is individually beautiful; however, the whole album in continuum is, to this day, my favorite.

Now, on a personal level, the track found me at a particularly difficult time of my life, and it spoke to me, deeply, personally. I’d been listening to the album one day in junior high school, and this particular day, I had left the guidance counsellor’s office (aside–this would have been halfway through the 7th grade, my “Canadian grandmother” was in the hospital battling cancer (which eventually and unfortunately did take her from this life, I miss her everyday), my parents and I were less than a year apart from ceasing to cohabitate, I was the awkward kid with very few friends, and I attempted (and failed. How embarassing, to fail at this) suicide early on in the first semester of the year), and I’d gotten out of classes for the afternoon (I used to hang out in the art room and spin clay or sketch with charcoal for hours on end instead of attending my regular classes when life got to be too much, the guidance counsellor and the art teacher are solely responsible for me not losing my damned mind during those 3 years), gathered my Walkman from my locker, and popped in the “OK Computer” cassette I’d stolen from my Mother. I listened to “Airbag” and “Paranoid Android,” and revelled in my melancholy, but when “Subterranean Homesick Alien” came on, I absolutely lost it. It was the first time I’d truly listened to the lyrics, and it all made sense to me. Nobody used to (well, I had thought, anyways) understand why I chose to self mutilate at that juncture (bear in mind that at the time, MCR ruled the music scene and “emo” kids ruled the world, so a lot of what I was going through got written off as me following the crowd for the sake of popularity); and I could not help the tears streaming down my face as I realized, that Yorke (obviously unintentionally) had put into words what I had been feeling for so long–that I was an alien, removed from even my very few social counterparts, and that the action of drawing my own blood allowed me to see in plain sight that I too bled the same blood that they all did, regardless of how removed I felt. I remember rewinding that tape over and over and over again, and by the time the bell rang to send us home, I was no longer laden with sadness, rather, I felt freed through music for the first notable time in my life.

Radiohead has always illicited a huge response in me; however, “Subterranean Homesick Alien” is up there with my all-time favorites. It isn’t just absurdist ’90s alt-rock to me. It truly did both define and re-define a seriously difficult portion of my life.

ALTERNATE TOP 5 FOR RADIOHEAD: “Talk Show Host,” “Climbing Up THe Walls,” “Sulk,” “Myxomytosis,” and “Videotape” (however, y’all should really check it all out. I hesitate to even call “Alien” my favorite).

Click here for the youtube video of the aforementioned life-changing work of art…time to move on to…

2. Nirvana – “Something In The Way”

Preface for this bullet point? Any ’90s kid who tells you that they hate Nirvana is either lying or stupid. Grunge is in our wee souls; we can’t help it, and it’s awesome.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, a bit about the history of the track itself. It’s the final song off of the 1991 album “Nevermind.” It was written by Cobain during a period of time in which he couch-surfed at the homes of various friends, slept in hospital waiting rooms, and left his worldly posessions in well-hidden cardboard boxes on the streets of Seattle. He had initially wanted to record the song with the whole band; however, a fluke led to Cobain recording the track in full by his lonesome, and Grohl and Novoselic adding their respective bass and drum sections post-initial recording. On the final day of the “Nevermind” recording process, a friend of Cobain’s, Kirk Canning, recorded a complimentary cello part which would be later added to the studio version of the track (and which I personally adore).  The track was never their most popular; however, did make it onto their 1994 “MTV Live and Unplugged in New York” recording (which is, to this day, one of my favorite albums of all fucking time).

Personally, the track has always hit me deeeeeeep deep down on a very visceral level; I love all of Nirvana’s tunes, but “Something In The Way” is (in my opinion) the most haunting and affecting one. I have turned to it as a lullaby for the nights when my brain was too busy to sleep, as the soundtrack (I’ve had days where this one’s on repeat on a seemingly infinite loop) to melancholy, as strength for when I was couch-hopping and leaning on the favors of friends in order to eat and have aroof over my head. It is, quite simply, everything I need to get through the hardest of times in a simple song.

ALTERNATE TOP 5 FOR NIRVANA: “Endless, Nameless,” “Negative Creep,” “Breed,” “School,” and “Come As You Are”

Click here to listen to it; and by all means, do yourself a favor and download 1991’s “Nevermind,” too.

3. Weezer – “My Name Is Jonas”

Once again had a very difficult time choosing one song from Weezer’s catalogue of epic tracks; however, I think this one’s probably my favorite.

“My Name Is Jonas” is the first track off their 1994 debut, “The Blue Album,” and is about Rivers Cuomo’s brother, Jonas, who got into a car accident at Oberlin College, and was having trouble with his insurance. According to Cuomo himself, “‘My Name Is Jonas’ explains how The Plan is reaming us all, expecially my brother.”

Personally, the song’s always been my “I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life/self/situation anymore and need some perspective” track of choice. It combines a badass (ang beautiful) guitar riff with raw ’90s vocals and some excellent lyrics that always, always bring Brother Wallace to my mind (“Look what I recieved/ In the mail today/ Words of deep concern/ From my little brother/”). In fact, it’s that context for which I think I most deeply appreciate the tune, as I used to listen to it tons when I first moved away from my parents’ house, and keeping my little bro in mind helped to keep me on the right track many a-time (making good out of my bad situations has always been my modus operandi, and for years, the prevalent thoughtin my head was making sure that I would be able to support my brother if ever he found himself in the same situation I had). Warm fuzzies ensue from this song, all kinds of warm, happy fuzzies.

ALTERNATE TOP 5 FOR WEEZER: “Undone (The Sweater Song),” “Say It Ain’t So,” “Island in the Sun,” “The World Has Turned And Left Me Here,” “No One Else”.

Go download “The Blue Album and “Pinkerton” after you listen to “My Name Is Jonas.” I promise you’ll thank me later.

4. Eminem ft. Eye-Ku – “It’s OK”

“It’s OK” is the third track off of Eminem’s 1996 debut album, “Infinite,” and while the album only sold about 1000 copies, launched Mathers’ career into a completely different level. This came before the mad blowouts from the “My Name Is” era,  before the Slim Shady/Marshall Mathers/Eminem dichotomy, before the insane controversy that has since defined his career and made him one of today’s biggest names in the rap music game. The whole album runs just shy of 40 minutes, and has a different tone to it than any of his proceeding works, in that the definitive feeling is one of hope, one of a twenty-something average Joe just trying to make a better life for his daughter and his (then) wife.

I’ve always loved Eminem; however, this one holds very near and dear to my heart for the simple fact that I’ve been exactly where he is in the track innumerable times at this point in my life. The hook, “It’s a broke day/ But everything is OK/ I’m up all night/ But everything is alright/ It’s a rough week/ And I don’t get enough sleep/ It’s a long year/ Pretending I belong here/” has been the story of my life entirely too many times; the struggle he describes in wanting a better future and feeling that it’s a hoop dream, the optimistic pessimism of the track… It speaks to me. Always has (and nowadays, is still my fallback song on those “uphill battle” kinds of days). From his whole catalogue of music, this one for me is a crowning gem–lyrically, somewhat on the simplistic side; however, the flow and the verse structure are simply divine.

ALTERNATE TOP 5 FOR EMINEM: “Rock Bottom,” “Brain Damage,” “Rabbit Run,” “Criminal,” “Fubba You Cubba Cubba”

Click here for the YouTube link to “It’s OK.”

5. Neutral Milk Hotel – “April 8th”

Neutral Milk Hotel was formed in the early 1990’s by frontman Jeff Mangum; and is, to this day, reknowned for their experimental sound, obscure lyrics, and eclectic instrumentation. “April 8th” is the penultimate track off of their 1996 debut album, “On Avery Island,” which never gained huge popularity in the mainstream; however, was noted by critics and fans alike for its unique tone and unbelievably raw sound. The title of the album is a nod to a salt dome island by the same name in Louisiana, the band’s home state. It was recorded in Denver on a four track reel-to-reel tape machine, and was released under Merge Records.

“April 8th” is a haunting, slow, beautiful track that to me has always been more about the lyrics than anything else. When I first heard it, I was dealing with my first true heartbreak, the realities of having moved away from my family all too young, and the fear that nobody would ever love me and I’d forever be lonely and alone. The song is almost a plea, a desperate cry from a lonely woman who is walking through the streets on an endless rainy night looking up into the windows of strangers–begging for a lover, a friend, an ally…and I was legitimitely petrified that I would one day end up like her, that I’d never find solace in the company of another.

This obviously didn’t end up being the case, as I am now happily engaged to the most wonderful man in the world (for me); however, as I type this, I am coming to terms with the notion that in less than 18 hours, he will once again be boarding an airplane to head back across the country to Alberta, and we will once again be separated by four thousand odd kilometres. Listening to the track just now, I find myself fighting back tears as I realize that the melancholy Mangum was writing about is not limited to the situations in life where we are truly alone; rather, he was also writing about the periods of in-between, where the comforts we long for are simply out of reach. I can guarantee you that this one is (once again) going to find itself on repeat on my iPod in the meantime between saying goodbye to my Vega tomorrow morning, and the finality of our separation upon my pending return to Alberta.

ALTERNATE TOP 5 FOR NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL: “Gardenhead/Leave Me Alone,” “The King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1,” “Oh, Comely,” “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea,” “Engine”

Click here to listen to “April 8th.” And once you’ve done that, I highly recommend giving the entirety of their second album, “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea,” a listen. Actually, just go ahead and listen to everything they ever recorded…I swear they’ll change your life.

Honorable Mentions That Didn’t Make Top 5:

“Good” – Better Than Ezra
“Machinehead” – Bush
“I Alone” – Live
“Nookie” – Limp Bizkit
“Spiderwebs” – No Doubt
“Jeremy” – Pearl Jam
“Freak on a Leash” – KoRn
“Spoonman” – Soundgarden
“Sex and Candy” – Marcy Playground
“Breaking the Girl” – Red Hot Chili Peppers

For now, kids–

Wallace, out.

 

 

“See/ Things do come around/ And make sense/ Eventually…” (Or, “Thoughts on a snowy night over double bergamot earl grey”)

“Gotta get it through my big head/
I was so close to being dead/
Yeah life live it and nobody self-trips/
Man I’m just walking without being led/
See the world is so crazy and filled with such risk/
And I just know I gotta pass them/
The beginnings are followed by an end/
In the in-between time I’m not running or hiding/
See things do come around/
And make sense eventually/
Things do come around/
But some things trouble me/
The people I’ve met and the places I’ve been/
Are all what make me the man I so proudly am/
But I want to know one thing/
When did I become a ghost?/
I’m most confused about the world I live in/
To think that I’m lonely well I probably am/
One thing that still gets me/
When did I become a ghost/
Tried to fight it/
But soon I gave in/
Down the road with no lights on/
When you can’t describe it/
And you don’t move like them/
You become their worst nightmare/
You remember the things that your parents have said and/
Rather find out the hard way/
You should tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend/
I keep with my stroll I’m not running or hiding/”
(“Ghost” – Kid Cudi)
________________________________________

First of all, if you aren’t familiar with Kid Cudi, I Highly recommend that you do some YouTubing ASAFP. Scott Mescudi, you ROCK, and seriously have a song for every single damn mood I ever find myself in. Definitely indulged in more than a few Cudder anthems this evening (if you aren’t familiar, I also highly recommend “The Prayer,” “Erase Me,” and “Heart of a Lion”). </fangirl>

Anyways. It’s been a quiet day, from the outside looking in. Woke up at 11:30 am and stayed in bed until 3:00 pm reading (today’s choice, “The Book of Longing” – Leonard Cohen). It’s COLD here, so it was the perfect kind of day to stay snug and warm with some beautiful words from one of my favorite poets. When my caffeine headache overpowered my comfy state, I bundled up in my favorite hoodie and my slippers and came downstairs (oh my DOMS it took a while, yesterday’s workout officially kicked my ass) to make a strong pot of coffee and to spend some time with the roomies. Accomplished both missions, had some well-needed laughs with my two favorite family members, and reveled in a half-pot o’Joe and a few cigarettes. At 4:30pm, I finally felt ready to go chase my Om and fully give myself over to a very much needed Yoga day. Made it down to the Pit, and worked my way through Surya Namaskara until my muscles finally loosened up and warmed, then through some deeper postures, then enjoyed some meditation (did this to some beautiful Tallis, Bach, and Chopin today; when you have roommates, I highly recommend finding stillness through classical music. Always, always heightens my experience when absaolute silence is out of the question). Came upstairs, bundled the fuck up, then headed to Shoppers with Sarge to pick up some online shopping goodies that made it my way in record time (thank you, Canada Post). Made it home, showered, made some noms…On the whole, outside looking in, totally boring Mia-style day. And I thoroughly enjoyed it being exactly that.

Internally; however, it has been a somewhat crazy kind of day. I caught myself legitimately scared a few times today, a week ago I was in recovery-mode after my first legitimate flashback (see “Flashbacks On Friday Make Me Want To Hit Fast Forward” for details on that adventure) and I can’t lie–following my friend’s passing and a very up-and-down week on the emotion front, I was somewhat anticipating a repeat. I am elated that this was not the case; however, I’d be flat-out lying if I told y’all that there isn’t a hell of a fucking lot on my mind this evening (technically very early morning, but hell, I haven’t slept yet).

I wish I didn’t have a past sometimes; that I could hit “erase” on the past 22 years up until I moved to Oromocto and started dating Vega and making sense of my existence. On the flip side of that coin, I can’t help but feel a little bit more than grateful for all the bullshit I’ve been through up to this point because it’s made me exactly who I am right now, and I’m starting to really like this woman I’ve become. Go make yourselves a cuppa. I have some brain stew to ladle out this evening. And Vega, my love, I’m apologizing in advance. I have to get some things off of my chest and I have a feeling they won’t be easy for you to read about.

During my meditation this afternoon, I found it exceedingly difficult to drop the unsettled feeling, the aforementioned fear over another PTSD style breakdown (actually, I’m wondering if I’m not legitimately suffering from some mild PTSD after what Sunshine put me through..more on that in a bit), and it took me what felt like an eternity to finally reach a point of mental stillness. When I brought myself out of the meditative bliss I’d managed to find, I could not shake a seriously weird vibe; I wasn’t sad or mad or anything, really. I just, all of a sudden had the past five years on my mind–but, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel overwhelmed or scared to be thinking about it all. I just felt still. Peaceful. I think I may actually be to the point of getting over some of it, and that in and of itself is overwhelming.

The first thing I found myself thinking about was the whole fallout situation with my parents. I’ve definitely been through the various unpleasantries of grief over it; and for the first time, I believe I’m nearing acceptance. I accept that they’ll never be the part of my life that I wish they would have been, I accept that they have done and said things I wish they wouldn’t have (don’t get me wrong, I have said and done some unfair things too; however, it was always out of being provoked, and I have since apologized for the transgressions I have committed), and I accept that I’ll never be any less than the black sheep in their eyes. But you know what? I’m ok with it. I’m ok with it all. I’m past putting anymore of myself, my time, my effort, my love, my everything–into two people who genuinely want nothing of who I truly am besides a scapegoat and a whipping post. That isn’t to say that I won’t always love them, because I do and I will. They’re responsible for bringing me into this world, for instilling some good values into me and for making me a bibliophile who loves to travel. Above and beyond that, they’re nobodies to me. Sorry mom and dad. You don’t even have the capacity to hurt my feelings anymore. I’m simply done.

From there, I found myself musing about the relationship I had with the KFP. Him and I were like Sid and Nancy; two broken souls who were probably worse off together than we ever would have been apart. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all for the worst (at least, not for me), even the lifestyle he introduced me to and the club ties he’s responsible for me now having are things I’m truly not in the least ungrateful for. When he met me, I saw a much diminished person in myself. I thought that I was weak and not in the least a force to be reckoned with, and through moving up in the ranks of both the club and life, I did learn a huge amount of strength (physical (boxing, jiu-jitsu, general ass-kickery) and mental), and I gained a huge amount of self-respect in seeing how well-respected I ended up both in the club (I’m a smart girl, and smart is key in that lifestyle. The dumb ones? They end up in Bowden.), and in the tiny city I lived in before I moved back to Calgary (both for the wrong reasons (everybody in the scene was my customer. Not even close to kidding.) and the right ones (I worked at a HUGE out of school program, and knew basically every parent in the city with a school aged child. Loved that job, and I met some amazing people working it; also, working in the bar scene down there meant that I knew the whole university crowd and all of the bar-hopping crazies)). He and I were just doomed from the start, and I suppose that I get somewhat sad realizing that I was simply too naive to realize it at the time. I ruined my credit for him, ended up with some now-shady parts to add to my tale, and tried way too many illicit substances when we were partying hard. But again; where I had become used to being in the throes of grief, I’ve now found acceptance. I am no longer ashamed or sad or mad about that part of my life. I’m grateful. I’m happy that I left when I did and learned what I did and moved the fuck on. As far as I know, he’s still rolling in the deep end and I wish him well; however, will never, ever make a visit to tell him any of this (behind glass, is likely how it would go anyways..and I don’t do jail visits anymore).

Natch, Sunshine invaded my thoughts next. I wish I could say that I’ve reached acceptance here. Honestly? I’m ANGRY. I’m furious at the bastard. He was supposed to be somebody so fucking different from who the hell he turned out to be; and what hurts the most, is the fact that I lost not only an old flame (ha! not really funny though, at least when you know the whole story there. He made me phobic about being burned…) but an old friend in Sunshine. I’d known him since high school. When we started dating, he was (in my eyes) a total turnaround from the KFP. He was my age (not close to a decade older), not a club member (just had a soft spot for rap music and a tendency towards “wigger”), and still lived at home with his Ma (whom I used to adore). Things were alright with him, never great. I tried really hard to make them great. I really did. Eventually, I saw that it was all wasted effort. I gave up. He probably didn’t even notice (and if he did, he hid it exceptionally well). The one thing that was a constant was his need to “one-up” me in the hard-persona department. I don’t need to ACT hard; unfortunately, I just kinda am. It’s what happens to a person when they do what I have done. His jealousy over my truth and his daydream eventually led him to do some truly horrific things to me, and it culminates with me sitting here, literally scarred for life. I am hurt emotionally over this still, and I’m pretty sure I’ll have nightmares fof the rest of my life. No, Sunshine. You are not a gangster. But you legitimately terrify me more than any of the OGs I do personally know. And I HATE you for it; you worthless, alcoholic, piece of shit Mama’s boy. Fuck you, fuck Woof (actually, I have no interest in fucking either of you, so go ahead and fuck each other), and FUCK the scars I now carry. I ended up stronger because of you, and from what I hear, you’re still unemployed, and you’re the running joke in your circle of friends. I don’t miss you. Not. One. Bit.

Finally, I find myself sitting here, 5:00 am, wide the fuck awake with my mind wrapped around the memory of my friend who most recently passed (not even a week’s gone by…it feels like I seen him yesterday when the reality is, I last saw him on the worst night of my life, and he exited this life with me still owing him a beer. I will regret not going out for a pint with him before I left the 403 for the rest of my days), and how glad I am that my life FINALLY has definition. If I hadn’t changed everything, I’d still be undefined, up for anything and standing for nothing.

Since moving to the 506, everything is finally making more sense than I ever tought my life could. Sarge truly did give me a chance at a fresh start, and I’m so unbelievably proud of myself of having grabbed my (proverbial!!) cajones and jumping on the chance. A month has gone by, and my life makes sense. It has meaning and purpose. Since Vega and I fell in love, I’ve stopped feeling like my life would never amount to more than an uphill battle. He actually sees in me what I see in myself, and it’s about time that I allow myself to realize that I am who I see in myself; that the woman he loves does exist and is learning to shine through the layers of past facades that I am pulling away.

We actually had a conversation earlier this evening about how both of us feel like we’re “done” with that part of our respective lives. As bibliophiles, I think the best way for me to explain it (and this isn’t on Vega’s behalf; he is more than intelligent and capable of phrasing this himself, however I believe the sentiment is mutual) is that I feel like I was a background character in the prior novel of my life; that moving to Oromocto and life up until 7:05 pm this upcoming Friday is the preface to Volume II, and that I’ve taken the role as main character in this book. And I’m getting tired of biding my time, I want him here now. My whole life has been leading up to this very stage in time, where I can finally grab him and run with the overwhelming positivity and ceaseless adventures that await us on the horizon. I am literally brimming with excitement, and I am beyond thrilled to have found my counterpart in life. He is home, to me. And I can’t even begin to tell you how lucky I feel to be excited about my future (despite the weekend and 4.75 days I have to get through DYING OF ANTICIPATION still) for the first time…well, ever. I am excited about it ALL; from the simple pleasures of holding his hand, of cooking delicious meals for us to enjoy together, falling asleep with my head on his chest and waking up in his arms, to the crazy adventures I know we’ll end up on, to seeing where  the future will have us land (and, of course, the amazing sex that I know lies ahead…). Forever seems like it won’t be long enough. But at this point, I am just ready for it to begin.

It has been an unbelievably crazy journey so far, this life. I don’t know why I’m in such a pensive, introspective mood this evening, but I’m seriously glad I decided to sit down and write it out. I try to talk about it, but I always seem to lose people. It frustrates me; how I never seem to be able to get through verbally telling my story, when I am fascinated by the tales others have to tell. I think that’s in large part why I’m so shocked at the success my wee blog has had thus far–perhaps, I just suck at talking. Perhaps, it’s moreso that it’s just easier to swallow my story as just that–a story, and removing the girl that some of my readers do personally know, replacing her with a pseudonym, makes it easier to fathom.

Whatever it is, I’m beyond comfortable looking back and finally telling my side of the story. It’s icing on my cake (that I can’t eat…must find paleo-friendly cake making recipe) that in finding this outlet, I’m also finding success in a life-long goal–which is, becoming a published author, making a sustainable living writing. There is no feeling better than knowing that this silly little blog of mine is garnering attention, and I appreciate every single one of you, dearest readers, for being a part of this (what I hope will be a long and beautiful) beginning to my dream career. When I sit down to write these days, the words flow more freely in knowing that I am talking not only to my damn self, but to each and every one of you.

I am still fucking WIRED. It’s way too early to continue on with this rambly (probably super ridiculous, but it’s my blog and I’ll ramble if I want to!) post; however, there is an unbelievably handsome man who is distracting me from 4 provinces away, and I have a date with my bed and some “Parks & Recreation” on Netflix (fucking superb show, highly recommended), so I’m cutting this one off here, pets.

Once again, thanks for reading. And I promise, as always, that there will be more when there is more to be said.

For now,

Wallace, out.

“It’s a broke day but everything is OK/” (Or, A few musings in the company of black Chai)

“It’s a broke day but everything is ok/
I’m up all night but everything is alright/
It’s a rough week and I don’t get enough sleep/
It’s a long year pretending I belong here/”
(Eminem – “It’s OK”)

Let me preface this post by singing the praises of a good cup of Chai tea. Spicy, rich, amazing Chai tea. I am currently sipping a fabulous mug of the stuff with a splash of milk and a teaspoon of sugar (my only cheats today! woop woop willpower) and it is seriously akin to a warm hug on this chilly New Brunswick night. Seriously. Drop what you’re doing, and join me in the goodness. Magical tea = smiles on Mia’s face. See infographic on my FB page for further details haha!

Tea has been glorified, onto the post.

I’m in an absolutely rockin’ mood today. Definitely over that nasty bit of not-at-all-Mia-ness that was plaguing me earlier in the week, and I gotta say–it’s nice to be back to my usual levels of obnoxious optimism. I can’t really put my finger on it; on the turning point, the catalyst for the shift. I am NOT complaining.

A month ago, this woman–the true Mia–was hidden not only from myself, but buried deep deep down from the rest of the world. I was residing with Dee, anticipating leaving the 403, and overall a nervous bloody wreck of a person. A shell moreso, just empty and broken and waiting for the next thing to go wrong. The cosmic irony in the situation was the fact that I knew I was leaving the negativity behind. I was hours away from leaving (totally unbeknownst to me at that point), and I suppose that even through the unbelievable bullshit emotion I was grappling with, my optimistic core was still there in full force. If it hadn’t been, I never would have left. Revelations. I’ve had a few. And I’ve re-defined myself; I no longer believe that I ever was a pessimist, rather, I’m the eternal optimist. And it’s an awesome thing to be.

Today has been a wonderfully self-indulgent day. I woke up around noon feeling the beginnings of a sinus cold, so I popped some meds and headed straight back to bed with The Picture of Dorian Grey and some Radiohead on my iPod for white noise. Three hours later, I was feeling way better, so I headed downstairs and shilled with Sarge and Boo and played some COD and enjoyed the company of my friends. We always have the most ridiculously hilarious conversations. Laughter is once again a mainstay in my life, and there are no better DOMS (delayed-onset muscle soreness, for my not-in-the-know readers) than cheek DOMS from smiling. 45 minutes later, we piled into the truck for a dollar store (extension cords and a new iPhone case for Mia!) and Superstore (aforementioned black Chai and double bergamot Earl Grey tea) and cigarette run, then it was back to the BROthel.

I was in serious BEAST mode for my workout this evening. I don’t believe I have ever done quite so many squats and lunges in one workout, and trust me–there was plenty of cursing and doubting myself involved–but I DID IT. I killed it, in fact. 60 minutes of HIIT (high-intensity interval training) full body body-weight hardcore beast mode, 15 minutes of speed-rope work, and 30 minutes of stretching (15 pre- and 15 post-workout, natch) later, I was beyond spent, beyond happy, and riding the biggest endorphin high of life. A good workout is definitely up there with Chai tea on my list of infalliable awesome-mood makers.

Had a grand dinner, too–Hugh Jass salad, and a bowl of Paleo-friendly stew, then verrrrrryyyyyy slowly made it up the stairs for an absolutely luxuriously long hot shower. There really is very little in the world that feels better than hot water on sore muscles. I also inherited a BADASS pair of tearaways from Boo, and they are more than comfortable and definitely what I’m rocking as post workout comfieness this evening. I am sore as FUCK, comfy as hell in my 90s steez, and totally loving it. I physically feel as much myself as I do mentally right now, and the mind-body balance? Priceless.

Making this whole equation even fucking better is the fact that there are SEVEN DAYS, SIX HOURS AND FIFTY-ONE MINUTES (as of this very moment) to go until my dear Vega will be here with me. I do not have the words to explain how elated I am right now. The simplest things seem to be somehow…wrong without my Vega right now (enjoy them as I may). Watching movies will be better with my Vega. Falling asleep will be better with his head upon which to lay my chest. Fuck, TEA will be better (how this one is going to make me explode with glee, I cannot even fathom) with my Vega here to enjoy it with me. He makes my life go from GLEAMING. He truly makes everything seem brighter, more worthwhile. I am so unbelievably lucky, to have this much love, this much trust, this much good in my life; and the icing on the cake is knowing that I, too, make his life go from still to effervescent. I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life, and it’s the craziest form of contentment; just knowing from the pit of my soul, that no matter what happens, from here on out my life is going to be incredible–and so is his–because we’ve got each other, and we’ve got each other’s backs.

I am “shiny” these days, according to Sarge–he’s never, ever seen me this thrilled to be alive, and that’s a pretty massive compliment from my best friend. That one’s staying with me forever, and I intend to shine for the rest of forever. Even the dark days, the flashbacks, the things I’m still dealing with…they seem more manageable now. Life’s not something I’m stuck living anymore. I’m fully enjoying it.

Full-circle, it comes back to days like this one. I used to be so apprehensive about taking time for myself. It’s pretty glorious enjoying Mia-time (in preparation for Mia-and-Vega-happy-awesome-time) with no nasty voices in my head telling me not to savour every second. I think they’re slowly being pacified with Chai and badass sweat-fests. I’ll eventually conquer all of my demons. Slaying this one? Awesome.

Vega, I am so thrilled that I’m a week and a few hours from seeing you. There has never in my life been something quite this amazing for me to be thrilled about; and I’m so so so so SO ready to leap into your arms at the YFC. Brace yourself. I make no promises that I will be able to control sprinting towards you! I do; however, promise to never, ever let you go. Fair trade?

For now readers, I’m gonna sign off and continue to chat with the love of my life and make another cuppa and enjoy being myself again.

Wallace (Real-Wallace), out.

“So is it raining in your bedroom?”

Grey, drizzly, rainy day here in the 506–my absolute favorite. I always, always have loved this sort of day the absolute best; there is a stillness, a peacefulness in the air when the rain is falling and the skies are a monochromatic backdrop to the pavement. I’ve had another lovely, solitary kind of day, and slowly but surely I am feeling myself heal from the inside out.

Today started around 11:00 when Boo woke me up with a smile and a cheerful “good morning, sleepyhead,” which instantly put me in a good mood. We moved some shit around in her room, then I made us breakfast (onion, bacon, egg skillet) and we ate while watching shitty girly TV and bullshitting about Valentine’s, Sarge’s upcoming birthday, and Vega’s pending visit. She started work at 2:00, and I headed down to the basement to put in a good workout.

Back day SUCKS. I can’t emphasize to you all how much I detest working my back. But I got through it (skin of my damn teeth; plenty of cursing, buckets of sweat), then did a core circuit, and threw in some speedrope for good measure. I hear all the time that I’m too militant with my workouts; I say NUTS TO THAT, pass me the damn weights and throw me my water bottle. I am slowly but surely seeing progress in my physique, and I am absolutely determined to look amazing in a bathing suit by September. It will be a first for me to want to be seen in a bikini rather than hiding in the shadows. This too has been an incredible shift in my paradigm; this new acceptance of who I am physically. Vega helps a lot with that, he already thinks I’m a stunner, but the true victory for me has been the fact that I’m truly starting to see a pretty girl in the mirror, too. I don’t remember ever truly feeling this good about my body before. Weird but welcome mental shift.

Post-workout, Sarge and I headed out to get some healthy noms with which to fill the fridge (he’s loving this healthy eating thing, too, which makes me smile inside), and then rolled home so that I could make dinner. As always, I closed the kitchen door, pumped some music through my headphones (today, I have been rocking Stone Temple Pilots, Eliot Brood, and Atmosphere), and sliced and chopped and sauteed my little heart out. It turned out rockin’ (chili chicken stir fry with carrots, green beans and onions served over a bed of sauteed garlic cabbage with a side romaine salad), and we ate well in wonderful company while Boo was on break. Food brings me so much joy these days; which has been another welcome shift for me, as the stress and angst I used to feel about eating has subsided and given way to fulfillment and deliciousness. Slowly slaying these demons o’mine–and let me tell you, the happiest victory for me thus far has been over my eating disorders. I won’t say that they’re dead yet, as I still have to put in a conscious effort not to feel guilty about eating, period; however, I am unbelievably proud of myself for learning to exert control in healthy ways, and for filling my body with healthy fuel. BHAG, be my bitch; life, be my oyster. My delicious, delicious oyster.

After we all gorged, I did the dishes while Boo finished her shift and Sarge played COD. I love cleaning when I’m in these “moods” I’ve been in, so I also cleaned the floors, the bathroom, and my room. When I finally finished, Boo was done work, so we enjoyed a laugh while she joined me outside (her for fresh air (it is beautifully warm despite the rain, and the humidity is just delectable), me for a cig), then her and Sarge hit the hay while I showered and fully enjoyed it–nothing better than hot water on sore, tired muscles. After I got all comfy, I made a MAGICAL cup of tea (black chai, splash of coconut milk = oh fuck yes comfort in a mug), settled on the couch with Wonderpup, and stumbled upon “Mrs. Doubtfire” on AFC. And here we are; clad in pink plaid, warm and snug in front of the fire, chatting with my Vega, thinking about everything and nothing all at once.

Smoke break; back in three shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Seriously, it is PERFECT outside right now. The drizzly grey is supposed to stick around for the majority of tomorrow, too–I smell a long, much-needed run tomorrow morning. I believe in running like I believe in yoga and tea. Total soul-food.

I feel like this post has been totally self-indulgent and probably very boring to read. All the same; my blog, my thoughts, my place to vent, so no apologies from this end.

Made a list of all the things I have to look forward to today, and I’m still glowing over it. I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this excited about my life before. Firstly, my visit with Vega is coming up rather quickly. As of tomorrow, we are 2 weeks and a day away from being reunited; and quite frankly, my patience is at nil! I still can’t quite believe that he’s coming across the country just to spend time with me, and that in and of itself is so much more than I am used to in a relationship. This long-distance thing seriously sucks on nights like this; nights that would only truly be more complete with my love at my side (tea helps a lot; however, just is not the same kind of comfort that his arms provide) to keep me safe and warm. We’ve been so lucky thus far; finding each other, kindred spirits, truly and deeply. The story of OUR lives is only just beginning, and so far, I’m convinced it’s the greatest story ever written. Everything I am looking forward to on the aforementioned list in some way relates to him being in my life; and it’s magical, how he has waltzed his way into my existence and done nothing but better it from the moment we first met. My heart still races every time I get a text message from him, and those butterflies people are always talking about? Yeah, they’re real.

I sometimes stop and think about my past relationshits with the idiots who threw me aside (literally and figuratively) and I have to wonder how I ever put up with being so far diminished as a human, as a woman, as a lover… I guess that theme carried through in all aspects of my life for a long time. I didn’t see myself for who I truly was, and as such, I allowed for some serious abuses of my exsistence. I think that’s truly the “magic” here, is that Vega really, truly does love me for me. I feel the exact same way about him; I love the broken pieces as much as I love what is whole, he is fascinating and complex and totally diverse. I wake up every day excited to better myself, knowing that he is doing the same for the same reason–we’re both, for the first time, truly LIVING our lives. We make each other stronger, happier, better people. It’s just awesome.

And it’s the sweetest vindication; this new fire, passion, lust we have both found in life. I truly have no desire to ever be face-to-face with the idiots of my past ever again; however, I do revel in the knowledge that every single one of them–my parents, KFP, Sunshine, Swizz–are wrong about me. I’m not the one dwelling in my own self-pity, my preconceptions about life, my negativity (at least, not anymore)–I’m taking this new beginning and I’m running with it. I have nothing to run away from anymore (except clowns. One should always run from clowns). I know Vega has his loose ends to tie up; however, it’s just awesome to see him revelling as much as I am in this. He apparently had a chat with Mama Vega about me today; who apparently picked up within minutes of their phone call that he is, in fact, in love with me–just based on the tone of his voice. He’s coming to terms with the Beta situation, and he’s making strides in his life that I am beyond proud of. He is amazing. He is mine, and I am his. It’s beyond my wildest dreams.

On that note, I’m going to end this post here so that I can devote my attention to the incredibly warm and fuzzy conversation I am having with the aforementioned love of my life, make another cup of tea, and possibly post a rather hilarious break-up letter that 19 year old me wrote to an idiot from days long past. I just got a rather hearty chuckle out of that relic.

Wallace out.