They say that most people can only dream in black and white

Hey blogosphere.

It is 11:52 pm and I just woke up absolutely terrified. I must have passed out, but I have absolutely no memory of doing so. Vega was beside me, deeply sleeping and visa was snuggled up on my feet, so luckily that calmed me down a little bit.

I’m still freaking out though. My heart will not stop pounding double time into overdrive.

Only one panic attack today. I guess it’s a good thing but it was the worst one yet. I have so many appointments in the next few days. Analyzing my blood and brain to medicate me into a safer place.

I finally feel my heart slowing. I’m snuggled right up to vega and he’s so warm and strong and safe. I feel my anxiety melt away when he’s next to me. That’s the crux of it all – the fear is overwhelming.

I’m afraid of everything.
All the time.

Do you have any idea how painfully, deeply exhausted I am?

My mind is racing tonight. I have a headache. The Advil is too far away to go and get though. It’s warm in bed. Don’t want to go to the kitchen. I want to fall asleep but my mind is too noisy. Maybe I’ll watch netflix on my phone. But then I’d have to download the app and remember the password. Too much work.

Seriously though. I’d love to just be able to close my eyes and resume that blackout but I can’t. I’m in insomnias hands now and I have a feeling that it is going to be a long night.

But I’m tired of my own thoughts so I’m gonna go read something.

For now,
Wallace out

So.

Hey, blogoverse.

Sorry to have (once again) disappeared from the face of the universe. It’s been a bizarre, difficult, and busy mess of days since I last checked in. I’ve been lost in my head and exhausted from dealing with the (proverbial) storms, but my (proverbial) ship hasn’t sunk (yet) so I’d say it’s been successful – despite very, very stressful.

So.

That’s my sticking point today.

I keep thinking I have something to say but just end up with “so.” And then I sit there blankly for a while trying to figure out what. So WHAT, Mia? So what?

So, I had an awesome performance review a couple of days ago. I love my job and it seems that my job loves me too and everything’s coming up Milhouse. It’s nice to enjoy what I’m doing and to be an asset to the company. It’s exciting to see my career path beginning to illuminate and become something meaningful. It’s rewarding building systems to be put in place for long term use, to create things of ‘proprietary value”. It’s fun wearing skirts and heels and having lunch meetings and colleagues and clients. I feel important and deservedly so. It’s refreshing.

So. I am professionally satisfied.

So.

So, I made a decision. I made the hardest decision of my entire life, and because of that decision, lost one person on purpose and plenty in the fallout of my atomic bomb. So I exercised some self-worth and pissed a bunch of uninvolved bystanders off in the  process. So I stood up for myself and actually said what I was thinking for once in my damn life. So I hurt right now. So I’m going to heal.

So, I wrote a letter. So it created a rift. So maybe the rift was already there.

So.

So, I saw a doctor because the stress is finally getting to me. I admitted my weaknesses and am working on a formal diagnosis. So I’m throwing a therapist into the mix. I’m admitting to my cracks and finally seeking some help in filling the void. I am worth sound mental health, the hard work that will take to achieve, the self-worth I am GOING to find if it kills me, dammit.

So, I am mentally ill. So at least I can admit to my faults. So?

So.

So, I am a jumbled mess of conflicting emotions. I am tired – exhausted – mentally, physically, and emotionally. My cup doth not runneth over, my friends. The cup is fucking dry. But (and there always is a but), I’m trying really hard to refill it. Right now, I’m getting so much love from Vega, his family, and some unbelievable friends of mine that I am incredibly lucky to have. So, I’m pretty lucky. So life is finally starting to make a little bit of sense. So I can actually sleep at night.

So, I lost a bunch of battles.

But I finally won the war.

As of this moment, I’m trying my hardest to relax. I have enlisted the services of my high-school soundtrack and the heating pad to maximize my comfy potential. We’re all finally home following another weird universal curveball and I am revelling in the comfort of knowing that my in-laws, fiancé, dog (and in-laws dog) and I are all safe and sound under the same roof. There is a steady mist of rain falling, and it’s a gorgeous grey day in Victoria. We’re all here, so everything is going to be okay. All I can do right now is continue continuing. This is my week of grieving – I’m being nice to myself in all senses of the word, including retail therapy, too much ice-cream, and Desperate Housewives marathons – with no guilt, shame, or abandon. Come Monday, I will continue. I will go to the gym, and begin my therapy, and go to work to tackle the many new challenges that face me. I will continue to love and be loved by all of the wonderful people aforementioned in this ramble. I will continue to live. So, I think I’m going to be okay.

Anyways. That’s where I’ve been, where I’m at, and where I’m going for now.

I’m working on being better at blogging again, too. Bear with me, just a little while longer. I promise, I’ll get back to my usual writing levels.

I’m going to go and enjoy  a cigarette on the patio and listen to the rain fall.\

Y’all be safe.

For now,

Wallace, out.